Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Still rolling.

I feel like I should continue to let all know that we are indeed, still surviving.

Mainly because a good number of y'all who read this handy blog may not actually know me and see me and hang with me in real life to know that this is so. Thus, the random emails I sometimes get from people who are checking up on me. And thanks for that you sweet strangers/friends.

We are still rolling.

Life has hit a very busy season and I am welcoming it a little bit. We celebrated Pipers should be/would be 3rd birthday, we moved (yet again) and we celebrated our 8th anniversary. My favorite 7 year old is rocking at Mohawk and I have a new pair of blue shoes that may be worth a picture or two...they make me smile a bit.

Summer has been good to us.

And we are still upright. I'm coming off of a very hard two weeks for both obvious issues and other, more personal issues...there have been many tears and frustrations rolling about in my personal space. I'm trying, often fruitlessly, to keep on keeping on but moments when they add up can just plain knock me out.

Apparently, this is normal.

Or something.

So please don't write me off as a sad mother hiding away from life...I have ideas and plans and hopes that I will attempt to keep updated in my good moments. Just bear with me.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Planning to plant.

After the rigors of almost two years of chemotherapy for Piper, and prior to the subsequent eight months of chemo, radiation and transplant, was a beautiful time in our little family.

Even after Pipers first relapse, she was happy and seemingly healthy. We, of course, were in utter shock that the cancer we were certain had gone away had in fact, only hidden and was rearing its horrifically ugly head.

We had our wits about us and we knew this time to focus on details, to pour out affection and time and to hope. Big hopes that we never would have breathed without clinging to.

We now know the end of the story.

It's not okay with me.

It's in Gods infinite sovereignty but while I trust this, and while I hope for the eternity that awaits us all, I hurt.

Three months feels like both too many moments without Piper and yet, also as near as though these three special pictures had only been taken yesterday. This is how time apparently will be working for me as I grieve and hurt and miss this sweet face.

I have received more than a few emails and phone calls from friends who wondered how we were planning to celebrate Pipers birthday this Saturday.

I wasn't sure what I was capable of but I don't ever want to be too overwhelmed in my grieving to smile.

I plan to plant something. To put in the ground something that will grow and that will allow me to smile when I look at it. And to remember how much my girl loved wandering the flower aisles at Lowes and getting her hands dirty while planting pretty things. Even while at the hospital, she loved to visit the flower gardens and water the plants and pick a flower for me and to be outside. This is my plan and I would be blessed if anyone joined me.

Put something in the ground. Water it and pray when you see if and smile.

And if you are so inclined to do this for Pipers (should be) birthday, please share this with me...

Help me know that she is remembered and that she is loved.