Beauty in the struggle.

Tonight I came across a picture of myself, Linley and Piper from St. Jude's...and I smiled while I wept while I grieved while I chose, once again, to be joyful.

And it struck me as I was remembering the exhaustion and fear and worry that raising and treating a child with cancer brings, it struck me that those were such beautiful moments. Moments that I struggled to smile for Piper while scratching her back for hours. Moments that I encouraged Linley to join myself and Piper in our tiny little room to play and be silly. Moments when I just wanted to curl up in a corner and shut down...to hide in the shower...to run screaming down the halls in a panic because THIS WAS MY LIFE and IT WAS HARD.

So hard, my friends.

But I didn't. Gods grace kept me moving. He rested my soul when I was living on 3 hours of sleep a night. He gave
me a peace when I walked out of that hospital to join Linley and leave Piper for the night. He focused my attentions not on the depths of despair that I so wanted to fall into and wrap myself up in and give way to...my God kept me.

I am thankful that even now, more than a year since Piper left this world, that He continues to show his nature to me...that tonight while just browsing pictures he showed me the beauty in a season I lump together sometimes as simply ugly. That sometimes when I am overwhelm with what he required of me, I forget that He was making moments that were beautiful.

And I would be a fool to not use this reminder in my little life today. No struggle I wrangle with will not blessed with an aspect of beauty if I allow myself to trust the author. I have to. I must. I am thankful that God continues to teach me...that Pipers life was not meaningless and that our struggles were not minuscule.

There was beauty. She was beautiful and my God will remind me of this when I fail to chose joy.

The picture is from less than a month before Piper died. And the song is one that has rattled me and resounded in my soul more deeply than I ever have been rattled.

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

(Shane and Shane "though you slay me" featuring John Piper)

3rd grade

How can it be? How could this little lady be the same little baby that I once rocked to sleep and read stories to? Her legs will soon match my own and she is the one who reads aloud at bedtime these days.

Third Grade is one step closer to independence. I think of this often as I raise Linley Coe...she is such a joy to have in my life and I am thankful to have the role of mother as I rear her as best I can with Gods sweet grace as foundation.

This year I am praying for her friendships. She is at the age where her peers are so important and I pray that she is as good a friend to them as she would want them to be to her. I pray that she continues to gain confidence. That she finally gets those math facts ingrained. That she learns to focus without losing her incredible imagination. That she continues to trust God in the little things because he shown himself faithful in her little life in the big things...I pray she can remember that.

I love you sweet girl. You've got this.

Goodbye summer

Linley and I wrote out a "bucket list" for this summer. Of course, with a newborn, I would have been totally contented to stay home and watch Beck while I played games with Linley but she is infinitely more social than her mommy.

And so...that is how we took our little crew into Atlanta to the World of Coca-Cola for the day. We had hoped to walk to Centennial Park across the street to play in the water fountains and have a picnic but this summer the rain rivaled Seattle and we settled on BBQ and a movie in bed.

This was do much fun. Beck was happy, Chad had fun exploring Linley and I'm just happy anywhere with my family.

3 months

I believe it has been established that my boy Beck is an amazing little fellow. At three months he has leaned how to roll from his tummy to his back. He loves to sit in his Bumbo chair and watch his family eat dinner. He loves going in the pool and kicking his legs and arms. He loves humming while sucking on his fingers, just like Piper did and he loves to watch people, just like Linley did and does. He has discovered his hands and discovered that he can bring objects to him mouth if he works real hard.

Like I said on Facebook a few days ago, "this boy loves everything"...but he does not dig waiting for bottles or being tired. He seriously gets ticked off when he is tired and fights himself from sleeping at nap time each time. Strangely, he never fights bedtime and we simply lay him in his bassinet about 9:30 and he dozes off with no help or fuss.

He sleeps from 9:30 ish to 4:30 ish, wakes for a bottle and falls back to sleep until about 8:00 or whenever I have to wake him to take sister to school. He is still drinking a 6 oz bottle every four hours during the day and he still smiles and laughs at anything and everything.


And although I am late posting this, the picture is from August 6 so I am at least getting that part on schedule...enjoy!

2 months (or so)

I'm slacking.

I've got the whole "two kids, don't shower, just keep moving" thing down again but blogging nor picture taking rarely makes its way onto my to-do list.

Kissing on sweet cheeks does
Listening to made up stories does
Discovering new smiley dimples does
Painting pink toes does
Braiding slowly growing hair does
Hearing early morning coos does
Holding soft hands does
Watching confident swimmers does
Cuddling snugly sons does
Feeling bedtime nostalgia does
Thanking God for simplicity does

This summer is flying by. Beck went recently to his 2 month check up and all is well (ish). His spitting up combined with his lack of big weight gain had us at the hospital to rule out pyloric stenosis. That was a wee bit nerve racking but all is clear and Beck continues to be the happiest and most contented kid out there...our days are spent smiling, then spitting, then smiling, then spitting and so on...we go back at 3 months to re-check weight.

He weighed in at 9lbs 12 oz and 23 inches long. He eats a 4 or 5 oz bottle every 4 hours though I'm certain he spits a good portion back up. He is currently sleeping a solid and consistent 8 or 9 hours at night and has a routine of bottle, play then nap that cycles through the day. He prefers to nap in the midst of activity but that's no surprise as he has spent the last two months doing anything and everything that Linley does.

And the boy laughs...

There is no sweeter sound that a baby who laughs and there is no sweeter face than the baby who wonders where that sound came from.

He lights up with Linley around and has been known to fight napping for me only to fall asleep in Linleys arms as she successfully transfers him to his crib. He loves to sleep on his tummy but not at night. He loves his pacifier but not when going to bed at night. And he loves have a blanket up to his cheek and fiddling in his hand as he drifts off...just like his sisters.

Still a joy. Still thankful.

...and here's to 9 more years.

9 years of marriage

8 pack it all up and moves

7 pets of varying types

6 vehicles plus a work truck

5 months spent separated

4 months spent renovating a home

3 children born in Gods timing

2 years spent battling cancer

1 death of a sweet daughter

1/2 (+ a little bit) of a bachelors degree for the Mr.

Here's to the first 9 years. You've driven me nuts and you've calmed my fears. You've hurt me and you've healed me. You watched me bring our children into the world and you help me hold one as she left this world. You've sold your belongings to make ends meet, hung 4729226 decorative things on the walls of our home and you rave about my cooking, only requesting I never make squash casserole again.


One shouldn't enter marriage assuming it shall be easy or simple. After 9 years of commitment to you, I am simply thankful that you are as damaged, sinful, flawed and broken as I am...and that God is the only reason we will continue together to walk a few steps forward and a few steps back in this marriage. Somehow we are growing and learning and perfecting this reliance on grace, God and each other...somehow, indeed.

Happy would be/should be 4th Birthday Piper.

I now call July 7th, Pipers "would be/should be" birthday. If she had survived the beast that is infantile leukemia and because truly, parents should not outlive their children.

She should be here.

And despite the throes of labor I clearly remember from July 7 in 2009, she is not and this is where the would be comes in. Remembering the day of her death was horrible but remembering the day of her birth is not.

Piper Jean was beautiful. And desired. And special in a million ways.

So to acknowledge her birthday is a mixed bag of emotions for me. There is the smile I get when I remember the feeling of holding my second daughter with relief and happiness. There is the pang of pain I feel when I see others who are allowed to age. There is the wistfulness that comes when I think of plans for Pre-K classes she should be a part of and size 4 dresses and the lock of very fair blonde hair that I still have from the last time she lost her hair.

Mainly there is a peace.

It's a peace that I have to consciously cling to. It cannot be frivolous. I cannot be flip in my fight to survive and thrive and live according to this loss God has brought us through. I have to deliberately and actively chose Joy and to chase peace and to trust Gods plan.

I wish Piper were here today. I wish she had never had to fight for her life and we could be unscathed as a family. Mostly I wish she had survived and I was resting up from planning a 4 year old little girls birthday party. I wish I knew what little 4 year old Piper would have liked and wanted. I wish I could have woken her up with balloons like we did for Linley and shopped for her favorite dinner to prepare...

But I cannot.

I had to settle for buying her favorite food, Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bars, and eating them in bed with Chad and Linley and Beck for breakfast. And talking about the girl we miss and loved and love still.

It's a frail substitute for holding Piper.

Even so, my sweet girl...

I will celebrate your birth each year, despite not having you to hold. Each year I will praise God that He gave us 2 years and 6 special months with you. Each year I will question Him and His plan and each year I will again, chose to cling to the promise that this life is fleeting and that you are waiting for me.

Happy would be/should be 4th birthday to my sweet Piper Jean.