Thursday, August 29, 2013

Beauty in the struggle.

Tonight I came across a picture of myself, Linley and Piper from St. Jude's...and I smiled while I wept while I grieved while I chose, once again, to be joyful.

And it struck me as I was remembering the exhaustion and fear and worry that raising and treating a child with cancer brings, it struck me that those were such beautiful moments. Moments that I struggled to smile for Piper while scratching her back for hours. Moments that I encouraged Linley to join myself and Piper in our tiny little room to play and be silly. Moments when I just wanted to curl up in a corner and shut hide in the run screaming down the halls in a panic because THIS WAS MY LIFE and IT WAS HARD.

So hard, my friends.

But I didn't. Gods grace kept me moving. He rested my soul when I was living on 3 hours of sleep a night. He gave
me a peace when I walked out of that hospital to join Linley and leave Piper for the night. He focused my attentions not on the depths of despair that I so wanted to fall into and wrap myself up in and give way God kept me.

I am thankful that even now, more than a year since Piper left this world, that He continues to show his nature to me...that tonight while just browsing pictures he showed me the beauty in a season I lump together sometimes as simply ugly. That sometimes when I am overwhelm with what he required of me, I forget that He was making moments that were beautiful.

And I would be a fool to not use this reminder in my little life today. No struggle I wrangle with will not blessed with an aspect of beauty if I allow myself to trust the author. I have to. I must. I am thankful that God continues to teach me...that Pipers life was not meaningless and that our struggles were not minuscule.

There was beauty. She was beautiful and my God will remind me of this when I fail to chose joy.

The picture is from less than a month before Piper died. And the song is one that has rattled me and resounded in my soul more deeply than I ever have been rattled.

(Shane and Shane "though you slay me" featuring John Piper)

Monday, August 26, 2013

3rd grade

How can it be? How could this little lady be the same little baby that I once rocked to sleep and read stories to? Her legs will soon match my own and she is the one who reads aloud at bedtime these days.

Third Grade is one step closer to independence. I think of this often as I raise Linley Coe...she is such a joy to have in my life and I am thankful to have the role of mother as I rear her as best I can with Gods sweet grace as foundation.

This year I am praying for her friendships. She is at the age where her peers are so important and I pray that she is as good a friend to them as she would want them to be to her. I pray that she continues to gain confidence. That she finally gets those math facts ingrained. That she learns to focus without losing her incredible imagination. That she continues to trust God in the little things because he shown himself faithful in her little life in the big things...I pray she can remember that.

I love you sweet girl. You've got this.

Goodbye summer

Linley and I wrote out a "bucket list" for this summer. Of course, with a newborn, I would have been totally contented to stay home and watch Beck while I played games with Linley but she is infinitely more social than her mommy.

And so...that is how we took our little crew into Atlanta to the World of Coca-Cola for the day. We had hoped to walk to Centennial Park across the street to play in the water fountains and have a picnic but this summer the rain rivaled Seattle and we settled on BBQ and a movie in bed.

This was do much fun. Beck was happy, Chad had fun exploring Linley and I'm just happy anywhere with my family.

3 months

I believe it has been established that my boy Beck is an amazing little fellow. At three months he has leaned how to roll from his tummy to his back. He loves to sit in his Bumbo chair and watch his family eat dinner. He loves going in the pool and kicking his legs and arms. He loves humming while sucking on his fingers, just like Piper did and he loves to watch people, just like Linley did and does. He has discovered his hands and discovered that he can bring objects to him mouth if he works real hard.

Like I said on Facebook a few days ago, "this boy loves everything"...but he does not dig waiting for bottles or being tired. He seriously gets ticked off when he is tired and fights himself from sleeping at nap time each time. Strangely, he never fights bedtime and we simply lay him in his bassinet about 9:30 and he dozes off with no help or fuss.

He sleeps from 9:30 ish to 4:30 ish, wakes for a bottle and falls back to sleep until about 8:00 or whenever I have to wake him to take sister to school. He is still drinking a 6 oz bottle every four hours during the day and he still smiles and laughs at anything and everything.

And although I am late posting this, the picture is from August 6 so I am at least getting that part on schedule...enjoy!