Saturday, May 12, 2012


“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

This has been running through my little brain for the past week. Mainly because the last week or so has been a personal study in just how weak and sad I truly am. Apparently I am not quite as strong or faithful as I would have loved to have told myself that I were. So that's a little disappointing.

Not surprising but disappointing.

Thankfully I am not the only woman who has outlived their child or the only believer who has looked at God and questioned "why" or "how" or "what the heck were you thinking Lord?". And some may think that is crossing the lines of being full of faith but I cling to the character of God who desires to bind up my broken heart. He knows my hurts and questions and angers...and He is able to love me despite my heart.
In fact He loves me more for my heart, as it is shattered and I am attempting to reshape it with each tear and ache.

I love C.S. Lewis for many reasons. I have been reading and rereading A Grief Observed and it is consoling me. To have such freedom in Christ to be allowed to question His ways and still...always to come back. That He is never crushed or offended that we would not be pleased with Him taking our spouses or children or dreams...he cares. Still He cares. And still we will be faced with sadness. He will not always remove the things which sting. He will not always pad our falls. He will not always answer us how we want.

Can I still believe that God is good when He choses to withhold His goodness in a season? When "naming it and claiming it" did not work? How does this big grief line up with a purely good and safe God? I do not know.

I cannot comprehend His ways.

My Linley has a new saying..."I love you more than you think". She tells me this when she is kissing me good night or when she is loading up for carpool. She has never once, not once, said this before Piper died. She says this to me often now...sometimes daily.

I think that God does too. I think that His character, while never flawed, is often painful in the process of teaching us. The more I learn of Him, the more I love Him and the more I hurt...I do not understand this concept but I feel it.

I feel Him telling me "Susanna, I love you more than you think" when I rail against His seemingly quiet ear. This character He is beautiful. Just like there is beauty in my ashes, there is beauty in the giving and the taking. In the tears and the smiles. In each moment I am required to breathe here.

So He loves us more than we think.

His character is perfect and often painfully independent of our own wants.

And I am allowed to question Him. Who He is is not always who I want Him to be but is always what I need Him to be...and that's what matters.


  1. Praying for you. Bless you! True post....and He does let us question and it is not the feelings we have that constitute faith or a lack there of. It is what we do with those. You are taking all your hurts to Him which is what He wants. He can bring water from rocks and bread in the wilderness. Praying you have the water of hope and the bread that will sustain you.

  2. Thankful that despite your grief you are drawing closer to God and learning more of His love for you. Praying for you and your heart and for His love that is way more than any of us thinks would continue to grow by leaps and bounds in your heart AND in your head and bring constant healing and peace to you and your whole family.
    Amy Bender

  3. Grieving is a process, a journey, not an event. This is a dip in your life and your hurt, anger, confusion, and sadness are all part of the process. While there may not be as many people sending you notes or posts, do not think for a minute that you are alone. Piper's life touched many. Her memory and your love for God will live with many of us forever. You are a cancer survivor Sus and as you find your "new normal" know that others are praying for you, Chad and Linley!

  4. sometimes reading your blog brings such soul stirring emotions to my heart and mind that i cannot contain myself and sit in tears and quietude. Thank you for your truth, soul stirring honesty that rips open my heart and leaves me vulnerable before God and myself. I love you. I love your writing. It is a gift i am so grateful that you share.