Numbers

If I have said it once, I have said it a million times.

I am no good with numbers.

And by numbers I mean math, or dates or anniversaries or at times, even reading a watch. It's not my vibe and is the sole reason I do not have a college degree. If you think I am kidding, ask my parents about all those lovely colleges I tried out in my quest to be educated.

It's bad folks.

And it's also a big part of why I married my number happy spouse, though we agree to disagree on the difficulty of adding or algebra. That's how we stay married.


But like I said, it's not just math, it's also dates or anniversaries. My number-happy spouse knew this and had our wedding date inscribed on the inside of my wedding band so that I can simply pull my bling bling off and read that date when asked how many years we have been married. It's 8, by the way...you're welcome.

Which is why I am supremely impressed with myself when I can so easily quote you both Linley and Pipers birthdays, birth stats and birth times. I'm certain it's a mother thing as I am certain no love compares but none the less the importance of those two beautiful dates and details will be burned into my fragile mind forever.

What I had never expected when I delivered either of those beautiful girls, was that less than three years post Pipers birth, that I would hold her in my arms while she breathed those last sweet breathes here on earth. And that I would not remember the time she left this earth or the days she was blessed to live them.

Or that a mere 7 months later I would forget the day. That the 3rd of this month would pass without preamble or emotion or even recognition. When this dawned on me today I felt immediately sick...that the tediousness of living allowed me to forget just hurts.

As I said, this number phobia runs deep. And yet today I learned that I am indeed, clinging to numbers more than I ever thought I would. While the letters and words I write flow so easily, the numbers are stoic. Unchanging and bringing with them memories whether I chose to remember or forget to acknowledge. Each month the 3rd will happen, whether I notice or not. Whether I write something. Whether I want to remember or not will not matter. Whether I like numbers or not will never matter because they are very obvious in my world and when they aren't obvious they are all the more painful.