I often forget I have a blog.
I found writing to be such a perfect tool the past few years of chaos, now I cannot face those emotions or the possibility of remembering depth. This is probably why so many of my posts are sad or discouraging...I am sad and discouraged and I don't remind myself of this little fact often enough.
But in the midst of this sadness are lives that continue to march on. Not nearly enough little lives or heartbeats that I can hold in my arms or feel the pulse of, mind you, but lives that mean the world to me none the less.
Including the little life I have yet to meet, though the countdown has begun. The little life I feel roll around in my womb and the little life that has single-handedly kept me from becoming a full fledged grieving alcoholic mother the last (almost) year. The little life that fills up the space between me and the steering wheel as I drive and the little life that gets the hiccups daily, which I still can't get used to.
This little life is a little boy.
That little fact is more than a little frightening to me as I have mothered little girls for 8 years and really, why can't little boy clothes be nearly as cute as little girls? And am I really going to get peed on as often as I am told I will? And will he really ever find a woman who can compare with all this that I am? All this keeps me on my toes and I am certain will not stop for a while.
This little life is named Jasper Beck.
You can just call him Beck.
He is due May 3, though I hope he will arrive early and allow me to stop the twitching my right leg has done since 19 weeks. He is also measuring bigger than the girls but in the 4d ultrasound that I had last week he has the same round cheeks and button nose as his sisters...we obviously have a Needham mold our children fit into.
Last week after I returned home from a hair cut, I was greeted by the ever lovely Linley. Apparently she is also expecting a little boy and is quite tired as she waddles around the house. She has dinner to prepare and a load of laundry to fold and then she is looking forward to eating her nightly dose of Fruit Roll-Ups.
( ok, the last part is all me)
( the rest of it was all her and I now have confirmation that she is indeed, paying attention to her mother)
Chad took these pictures and they make me smile so you should as well.