Thirty-two

Today is my birthday.

I am 32...

(Born in 1981, not 1881 like my sweetly confused eight year old thought.)

I spent a good part of today crying. Some happy tears. Some sad tears. Tears while driving. Tears while hiding in the bathroom. Tears while laying out my clothes. Tears were big today, yo.

I cried today because I couldn't help but compare this birthday with my thirtieth birthday. (I scarcely remember turning thirty-one much less living the past year) When I blogged about that date two years ago I was filled with optimism. I spoke of a cancer free almost two year old. I spoke of fixing my marriage. I spoke of knowing God more closely and gaining patience in my life. I spoke out through my writings of happiness and contentment and a future...I had big plans for being 30.

Unfortunately, thirty was not the year I found myself or rested in my optimism. Thirty was the year I almost died...the year that I fought with all I had in me for Pipers life. The year I just wanted to keep my little family afloat. The year I yearned for simplicity and the year that I held my second born daughter, beautiful and broken, as she died.

Thirty sucked in such a big way.

Thirty was without a doubt, the worst year I have lived and hopefully, will live.

And now two short years later I am beginning again to scratch my way to the surface. I have felt peace and I have felt a despair that would frighten the most staunchly faithful soul.

Often within moments of each other.

Of thirty-two I have no expectations.

I have a heart filled with joy after birthing the sweet boy I call Beck. I have a heart filed with thankfulness that God is continuing to allow me to raise and love my Linley. I have a heart filled with trust as I look to my husband and learn more about how to be the wife I need to be...irregardless.

I am learning. Two years after I had an overflow of wit and optimism I fear I am left a weary but upright woman. I feel every single one of my thirty-two years and I relish them each despite not remembering large chunks of a few of them.

I am thankful for them.

For each of these thirty-two years, I have lived and breathed and even, hurt. There is a quote I see floating around the Internet and it rings so true to me...

"do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many." (unknown)

So I will grow older. Perhaps wiser. Always as faithfully and deliberately as I can muster up the strength for. And here's to you, thirty-two. Be kind to me...I'm only waiting to see how you unfold and I am thankful you've arrived.

Welcome, Jasper Beck Needham

...I am so very happy to hold you.

May 6, 2013 at 9:20pm, weighing 8.5 and measuring 21 inches long.

We are entirely smitten with his sweet temperament and big blue eyes. Beck prefers to be skin to skin with mommy and has the sleeping gig down pat...not so much with the breast feeding but we are working through that hopefully. He and Linley have already spent many moments staring into each others eyes, he adores having his cheeks stroked and has peed on his Daddy, not once but twice while having his diaper changed.

He is a perfect addition to this small little crew and we are thankful that Gods sovereignty placed him here.

40 weeks/9 months/my due date/may 3, 2013

That's today. And unless this little man sees fit to burst out of my womb within the next 45 minutes, he will "officially" be late. I'm ok with that since I do still feel pretty good and all my appointments are showing no concerns but even so, it sure would be nice to meet him.

Apparently, I currently have two speeds I am rolling with each day:

1) frantic cleaning/nesting

2) comatose napping

Neither are a joke either...my house constantly smells so fresh and so clean and the laundry is neatly folded in the appropriate drawers. The winter clothes have been replaced with summer attire, the gardens have been weeded, quick and ready to grab breakfasts have been cooked and are frozen, and I have quite a back up supply of all things household and personal care...just in case I go into labor quickly and Chad can't find Kroger while I am nursing this new son of mine and Linley finds herself without toothpaste.

And then when these cleaning/nesting spells are over, I lay down for a short rest and wake up, drooling beautifully, 3 hours later. And I am no napper, unless apparently I am pregnant then all previous likes and dislikes fly out the window.

Except for my love of cream cheese topped with red pepper jelly and eaten with club crackers...possibly in 10 minutes or less. Possibly. Very possible.

I feel quite ready.

Linley spends a lot of time talking to my womb and asking Beck to "please give mommy some contractions soon" and Chad kind of eyes me from the other side of the bed each time I attempt to roll over...I think it's safe to say I am frightening to him, though he hides it well when he tells me I am pretty.

He's done this a time or two before.

So we continue to wait. My next appointment is Monday afternoon and I wouldn't mind missing it for having had Beck or being in labor but I have a feeling I will be waddling in as planned.

He is coming so the details are all ok. I have prayed that he will be a contented little man and if his lack of desire to have more space is any indication, then I may have had an answer to prayer indeed.

I cannot wait to meet you son.