Someone asked me the other day if this pregnancy, in the aftermath of Pipers death, was Bittersweet.
That pretty much caused me to mull that word over and over. Bittersweet. I wasn't sure why it didn't quite fit the image and feelings and experienced we have had or are having. Why it left my mouth twisted or my stomach unsettled...but it did. Each time it's mentioned.
So I mulled. I thought. For twelve weeks I have cried because I need a way, or a word to verbalize how all this strikes me because nothing, nothing quite causes a few emotions like holding a daughter while they die and then finding you are having another child one year later. But Bittersweet doesn't cut it...doesn't touch it.
Then I had an image of those wooden puzzles you do with kids. You know the ones with different types of vehicles or of the different sizes of circles; small, medium, large etc. Bear with me, I've been a mommy, a babysitter, a preschool teacher and a nanny...wooden puzzles are my thing. And you know that the choo choo train isnt going to fit in the dump truck spot. It's not going to happen. But sometimes you get stuck with the puzzle with those different size circle shapes. And the small wooden circle isn't going to bump up against lots of points and angles and such like the vehicles will, it's going to sit in the midst of the size large circle...but it won't be suffice. It will not fill up the space needed to be correct and that my friends is why Bittersweet doesn't work for me. Why it tastes sour on my tongue. It doesn't move me. Why I chose not to use it.
It is not suffice to fill up the magnitude of emotions...it minimizes the sweet part of expecting and it minimizes the bitter part of losing Piper. When verbalized, it simply sits in the correct space but won't fill it out. It's too small...it needs to be Agonizing-Jubilation or Devastating-Elation or Miserable-Happiness. Those work. Perhaps not quite as pretty to say but much more apt to be used, my friends.
Those fit the range of emotions. The depth of sadness or despair of losing Piper in direct correlation with the excitement and joy that comes with expecting #3 (and raising Linley).
Perhaps that sounds too complex but the reality is that my life now is a terrific mess of complex emotions. One word, Bittersweet, will not work. It's too small...perhaps in the right line of thought but grossly insufficient.
So no, this pregnancy (and the role of raising Linley) is not Bittersweet. It's excitement unleashed to be allowed the blessing of new life. And it's heart crushing sadness that requires me to do so without Piper in the picture.
Not ever, ever, ever Bittersweet.
Not ever so trivial.