Most mothers don't have to ever experience having a child die, much less the frustration of how to acknowledge the literal day. They get to celebrate birthdays and first steps and report cards. Me? I get to stumble over the wording of mentioning the anniversary of Pipers death. We sure as heck won't be celebrating it, not as we were able to both celebrate and mourn her birthday but it's not exactly a date one can just skip over.
Especially when it is the completion of the first year. The one I wasn't entirely certain I would survive in one piece.
But I did. And Chad and Linley did. Heck, we are soon bringing Beck into the fold as a sign that life hasn't entirely stopped around here. We have survived and at rare moments, we find ourselves thriving, albeit only by the grace of our good God.
Even so, as we found April 3rd rolling towards us not unlike a long black train barrels towards its destination, we mulled over what to do with ourselves. When we realized it was smack dab in the midst of Linleys spring break and it was a Wednesday, which is Chads only guaranteed day off each week, we quickly put two and two together...
And drove to the beach together which was the perfect place for 3 sad faces to hunker down and simultaneously weep and smile for who once was in our world 365 days ago.
For just over 365 days I have woken without Piper. It has not gotten easier. I did not cry less today than I did April 4, 2012 after that first night without her. I still feel an overwhelming sense of forgetting something each and every time I pull out of my driveway. I still want to buy Bugles at the grocery store. I still hear her voice in my dreams and I still hold my arms as though she were securely settled into them when I shower each and every morning and I rock in grief.
I've been told the second year is the worst...Im simply not certain that is possible.
Thank you all who remembered.
And I miss you Piper.