Happy would be/should be 4th Birthday Piper.

I now call July 7th, Pipers "would be/should be" birthday. If she had survived the beast that is infantile leukemia and because truly, parents should not outlive their children.

She should be here.

And despite the throes of labor I clearly remember from July 7 in 2009, she is not and this is where the would be comes in. Remembering the day of her death was horrible but remembering the day of her birth is not.

Piper Jean was beautiful. And desired. And special in a million ways.

So to acknowledge her birthday is a mixed bag of emotions for me. There is the smile I get when I remember the feeling of holding my second daughter with relief and happiness. There is the pang of pain I feel when I see others who are allowed to age. There is the wistfulness that comes when I think of plans for Pre-K classes she should be a part of and size 4 dresses and the lock of very fair blonde hair that I still have from the last time she lost her hair.

Mainly there is a peace.

It's a peace that I have to consciously cling to. It cannot be frivolous. I cannot be flip in my fight to survive and thrive and live according to this loss God has brought us through. I have to deliberately and actively chose Joy and to chase peace and to trust Gods plan.

I wish Piper were here today. I wish she had never had to fight for her life and we could be unscathed as a family. Mostly I wish she had survived and I was resting up from planning a 4 year old little girls birthday party. I wish I knew what little 4 year old Piper would have liked and wanted. I wish I could have woken her up with balloons like we did for Linley and shopped for her favorite dinner to prepare...

But I cannot.

I had to settle for buying her favorite food, Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bars, and eating them in bed with Chad and Linley and Beck for breakfast. And talking about the girl we miss and loved and love still.

It's a frail substitute for holding Piper.

Even so, my sweet girl...

I will celebrate your birth each year, despite not having you to hold. Each year I will praise God that He gave us 2 years and 6 special months with you. Each year I will question Him and His plan and each year I will again, chose to cling to the promise that this life is fleeting and that you are waiting for me.

Happy would be/should be 4th birthday to my sweet Piper Jean.