Fickle little me

Fickle little me.

I am happy. I am so enjoying the simplicity of life with Piper (and Linley) these days. She smiles. She laughs. She wants to get into everything. She is a joy to be around and I tell you with much love in this mothers heart that I need this. For so, so, so many months she has suffered and become a shell of a child. So many days she either screamed all day or simply sat on my hip and watched the world. So many times I felt emptied of emotion as I went about caring for this little girl who I so adored but was so utterly exhausted of.

Even so...

When sleep eludes you, life proceeds you, children exhaust you, spouses frusterate you, fears control you, I think it is normal to become overwhelmed but I have a hard time separatting overwhelmed with just plain bitter. Its too easy to cover oneself up with the warm blanket of woe.

When Piper (and Linley) are well and happy and the laundry is caught up and dinner is more than the dollar menu at McDs then I am contented. My soul smiles.

When Piper (and Linley) are not well and fears/lonliness abound and my feet trod and my mind blanks I am far from contented. I am questioning and I am not exuding any traits of faithfulness. My soul festers.

Oh fickle little me. Each day is only a day, not a lifetime. I dont want to be that person who bends when the hard winds pick up and find myself seeking a God that I usually find no time for, neither do I want to question Him with belligerent thoughts or actions, raging against injustices. I do. And I will. But I dont want to.

I want to learn to live in the moment, knowing that the biggest and best part of my existance is farther rather than nearer. That sometimes holding tight, smiling weakly, plodding through the muck and mire is simply the best way to do that...without a bitter, discontented heart every time I hear ill words or fear crosses my mind or my range of emotions control me.

I want to lean on that Rock. To trust such a magnificent God. On days when I have not the energy to care not whether I am upright and standing that I will calmly lay myself in the dust of the dreams that I once dared to have and smile, knowing that this moment shall pass. That I chose, just like I do daily with my husband, to stay and find out what God has in store for me, bitterness be damned.

If it is ugly...I want to still praise God.

If it is beautiful...I want to still know God.

Fickle little me.