I used to love the evenings. The sweet time of dinner, baths, stories, kisses and bedtimes...and then that blessed peace and quiet. In the last few weeks I would have Linley settled in bed and give Piper her bottle and get her to bed and take my OCD self around the house picking up clutter and washing dishes and when I felt like my home was in order I would look around and find my other half and curl up next to him and just BE...be calm. be blessed. be happy. Never knowing that all I was taking for granted was about to be rocked like I could never imagine.
I dont like evenings anymore. I miss my Linley and her barrage of questions as I am attempting to tuck her in. I miss giving Piper her bottle and hearing her hum herself to sleep. I miss curling up behind the love of my life in our queen size bed. And I miss when the last thought before sleep was..."maybe those girls will let me sleep in".
Here at the hospital so much is unknown. When I awaken in the middle of the night I only have half of my heart in the room...I have to trust that Linley isnt calling out for her mommy in her bed 50 miles away. I look at Piper sleeping so sweetly and try not to think past the moment I am standing in. And I hesitate to fall asleep because the minutes as I wake up are so very painful...every thing comes crashing down on me all over again. I pray that I can make it back to those evenings I miss so much. Heck, right now I am praying that I make it until this evening.