...and to be clear, I do not intend this to be a whiny, complaining tirade. Lets just remember that it is simply one more attempt of my own to chronicle this journey with utmost honesty.
My Piper looks a wee bit like a refuge. I don't mean that lightly or laughingly but truthfully. Between the multiple daily puking and the lack of appetite from high dose chemo, she has lost about 2lbs. This isn't much on an adults frame but she had securely held her own throughout the first 7 months of treatment. At her 1st birthday she was right under 17lbs, small but decent given circumstances. At her visit last week she weighed in at 15lbs. And she looks it. I have had to dig out her 3-6month clothing. Her little ribs show, as does her port. She has lost those fantastic cheeks and just plain looks like a kid who is fighting cancer. I don't like thinking about that.
Perhaps this hit me today because I was kissing on my 2 month old nephew Gunner today. Gunner is delicious. He is a roly-poly little guy with cheeks worth nibbling on. And he is a very healthy 15 lbs. The same as Piper. I also got to kiss on my cousin Wades little girl Alaina, who is almost 4 months old and had to pinch away some of my tears a few times. She was so healthy. So vibrant. So vibrantly healthy. She spent the day smiling, drooling and rolling over. Piper at 4 months old was lethargic in the bed. I don't like thinking about that.
What I do like thinking about is that we are nearing what is supposed to be the end of the rough stuff. I have no idea what to expect after the next few weeks of weekly chemo ends and we begin maintenance. Supposedly she should begin feeling better, thus catching up on being normal. But I don't know. I am first and foremost thrilled to have kept Leukemia far away for as long as we have but I am still a mom. I still struggle with comparing my daughter with other little girls and boys. There simply is no comparison. I still really, really don't like to think about that.
Perhaps, in true southern style I will mimic the great Scarlett O'Hara who said, "I cant think about that today, if I do Ill go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." That's how I have made it through the last almost 12 months so I think I will just stick with what works.