Monday, September 6, 2010

I dont like to think about that.

...and to be clear, I do not intend this to be a whiny, complaining tirade. Lets just remember that it is simply one more attempt of my own to chronicle this journey with utmost honesty.

My Piper looks a wee bit like a refuge. I don't mean that lightly or laughingly but truthfully. Between the multiple daily puking and the lack of appetite from high dose chemo, she has lost about 2lbs. This isn't much on an adults frame but she had securely held her own throughout the first 7 months of treatment. At her 1st birthday she was right under 17lbs, small but decent given circumstances. At her visit last week she weighed in at 15lbs. And she looks it. I have had to dig out her 3-6month clothing. Her little ribs show, as does her port. She has lost those fantastic cheeks and just plain looks like a kid who is fighting cancer. I don't like thinking about that.

Perhaps this hit me today because I was kissing on my 2 month old nephew Gunner today. Gunner is delicious. He is a roly-poly little guy with cheeks worth nibbling on. And he is a very healthy 15 lbs. The same as Piper. I also got to kiss on my cousin Wades little girl Alaina, who is almost 4 months old and had to pinch away some of my tears a few times. She was so healthy. So vibrant. So vibrantly healthy. She spent the day smiling, drooling and rolling over. Piper at 4 months old was lethargic in the bed. I don't like thinking about that.

What I do like thinking about is that we are nearing what is supposed to be the end of the rough stuff. I have no idea what to expect after the next few weeks of weekly chemo ends and we begin maintenance. Supposedly she should begin feeling better, thus catching up on being normal. But I don't know. I am first and foremost thrilled to have kept Leukemia far away for as long as we have but I am still a mom. I still struggle with comparing my daughter with other little girls and boys. There simply is no comparison. I still really, really don't like to think about that.

Perhaps, in true southern style I will mimic the great Scarlett O'Hara who said, "I cant think about that today, if I do Ill go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." That's how I have made it through the last almost 12 months so I think I will just stick with what works.


  1. Your true southern belle does show through at times doesn't it? And I thought you were from Florida...
    You are an incredible woman, and I believe that in no time those pounds and more will be added onto your Piper's (Chad jr's) cheeks, because how can she be a Needham without that grand pinchable smile :) I love you dear one...mj

  2. it was so great to sit on the blanket with your family at the pig pickin'! thank you for chatting with me. what a blessing to see such evidence of the Lord at work glorifying Himself through your daughter and your whole family!

  3. I remember those days. I hated going to the park to see those "Eating, sleeping, chubby little kids". Abigail was 2 years old and mothers of 18 month olds (that were over twice her size) were calling her a baby.
    "SHE'S A TODDLER WITH CANCERN D*#&IT!" I would think.
    I clearly remember just after her 1st birthday how her knees stuck out and her little tummy was bulging. She looked like a little ethiopian baby that Sally Struthers talked about on commercials.

  4. If it helps, I don't think Piper looks "scrawny" or anything. She just looks petite to me. I know it's different for a mom, everything about your own child is glaring. I can tell Piper has lost weight even since I met her, but she still looks vibrant to me. She's skinny, but has a glow to her eyes that tells me she's a fighter. She's a beautiful little girl.