Another night of insomnia. If history is to repeat itself, I will struggle with sleep for a few weeks getting by on 4 or 5 hours at night until at some point I will pass out and sleep for 12 hours straight. I know many a doctor will warn me against this but if a wonky sleep schedule is what I get out of this messy season then so be it.
I've a lot on my mind tonight anyways.
I've had this quote in my head today..."wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God". (Jim Eliot) I love this quote though I will confess that it was the first line that initially was singing through my head this evening. I am often forced to jump back and forth between the rigors of caring for a child in the hospital and the rigors of a a child who is well and busy. I would go flat mad if I spent my time with Linley worrying about Piper and vica versa...I have to embrace whichever lifestyle I am in the midst of and be ready and willing to twist at a moments notice into the other situation and those demands and blessings. I credit being sane today with the fact that this is how I deal.
It wasn't until I was re reading a book written by Elisabeth Eliot, the faithful widow of Jim Eliot, that I remembered the rest of this line that I so clung to. "Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God". Without getting all reformed on you, I have to say that I very much find solace in the fact that this is my life in the will of God. I have often said that I do not believe he was caught unaware by the leukemia hiding within my Piper. God didn't cover his face in surprise when Chad and I found ourselves separated and fighting...and He sure wasn't rattled when Linley was conceived before I wore a ring on my finger. His will was just being acted out. And despite the painful steps I am often required to take in order to remain in His will, I can do so in peace.
I believe that Gods one big "will" is to have our hearts love him...
deeply and frantically and only.
So tomorrow when I awake after a fitful night with Piper and her random fevers, I will have to focus on her. And then tomorrow night when I am resting with Linley I will have to allow myself the luxury of bare feet and soft pillows. And in the few, small moments I have as I walk or drive between my two blessed responsibilities I have the knowledge that despite liking this or not I am in Gods perfect will.
Some may not find this a reassuring thought but I do. I really, really, really do.