Target makes me puke.

Chad and I came home last night to attempt to explain this to Linley. Now that Linley is in 1st grade she "gets" this alot more...shes fearful not only of loosing her sister but of being left behind when Chad and I are with Piper. Thankfully Linley took the news as well as she could and is willing to be tested to see if her bone marrow is a match for Piper...please pray that it is.

While Chad was in class and in between calls to my mom to check up on her with Piper I ran to Target to grab things that I was needing for this hell of a hospital stay plus the basic things needed here at home. Usually Target is my happy place and today I decided to put aside my (snotty I am sure) oddities that I have with clothing with characters on them and look for some pjs for Piper with Elmo on them. My girl loves her some Elmo. So I looked and looked and only found a pair in a 3t...then I went over to the singing cards and looked for Elmo something over there but the only Elmo card I found was a "welcome to preschool" card.

I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat. I made it out the front door and onto the sidewalk before throwing up what little I have eaten lately. I dont know if Piper will ever get to wear a 3t or go to preschool and the nausea and desperation I felt at that moment was simply to much to bear. I cant lose this child.

Now I have spent the day doing some crying, some cleaning and some sitting with a friend who came to help me fold mountains of laundry. In a few minutes I have to pick up my beloved Linley and finish packing and head back into the hospital. Pipers chemo has begun and she is missing her mommy. From this moment on, it will be Chad and I playing an intrecate game of Tag to enable that Linleys needs are met as well as Pipers.

We are moving from shocked mode to survival mode...though the emotions that we are feeling are well beyond what those two little words can ever portray.