Thursday, April 12, 2012

3:35 am

There was a little irony in being awoken this morning at such a time. If I were to be a little more awake or lucid I imagine I could count down the hours it's been since Piper died.

I'm not so I won't.

The room is hot and my spouse is sound asleep. I know this by the snoring from the other side of Linley...who is on me like white on rice. She sleeps with her arms flung across my chest and her fuzzy head in my neck. Not unlike Piper did.

I am missing Piper.

Right now.

Too many nights that I've been given the option to sleep through and truly, I'm no good at that. I miss hearing her little voice in the night needing me. And I miss feeling her arms and her fuzzy head. God, the ache to hold her again could kill me if I allowed myself to fully feel it.

I cant so it won't.

Today I told Patsy down at the pool that my daughter died. I teared up a little but muddled through an explanation. I told her Piper had died a week from Tuesday and she responded how she was supposed to. I think the more politically correct thing would have been to say that I "lost" Piper but I didn't. She died. I couldn't have lost Piper if I had wanted to... That girl was with me all the time.

In my arms.

Walking next to me with her pink walker.

In the backseat of my Camry, singing Adele.

Snuggled under my chin and across my chest.

I didn't lose Piper.

She died.

Dying also allows me to focus on where she is now. Were I to have lost Piper I would be spending every moment of my remaining years seeking her out. But I don't have to do that. She's gone from my arms but she's settled into better ones. And while that doesn't stop me from reaching for her at 3:35am, it keeps me from collapsing in a puddle of grief from missing her.

Piper died.

I miss my daughter.

3:35am is a lonely time of the night.


  1. <3 I love that little girl and you. I ache every time I think of her or see melmo.... I can't begin to imagine the gut wrenching grief you have. I won't say im sorry or anything like that because who are we kidding? I rarely say the "proper" thing .... But I will be real with you as you are so real and raw with us, piper did die. And it sucks so bad. Probably one of the hardest things I have ever witnessed in my life but she lives now too. No stupid leukemia and oh what a joy she will be when you see her again. Imagine the joy she's bringing to heaven... Because that's what she does. She's so fabulous. I. Love. You.

  2. Oh Susanna, I love you. I hate with every fiber of my being that you have to go through sleepless nights without your baby and I long for the day when all pain is erased. I know today is not that day so I will continue praying and crying out to the Lord for and with you.


  3. I hurt for you and your lonliness. I, also, find comfort in how she is not lost...I never thought of that before but you're so right. Who cares about being politically correct? You hit the nail on the head. She is not lost. She is pain-free and without tears for being with Her Creator. Praying comfort and peace for you - even in the middle of the night.

  4. I hate that you're hurting like this - that all of you are facing the weight of this pain. I know He's bearing it with you, but I am also longing for the day that it isn't there anymore. When all of this is made right again, and you get to see your girl who wasn't lost. I'm praying this over you - have been, and will continue to.
    Psalm 63:6-8
    6 On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
    7 Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
    8 I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

  5. We think of you and pray for you all EVERY day. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You have amazing faith.

  6. When I read that you were at the beach, I found myself thinking of you and wondering if you were close to me here in Ormond Beach and thinking, what if I saw you from afar, and what would I say to this woman whom I have never met but feel like I have known as if one of "my own?" I know without doubt that I would weep without abandoment and still wish with all fervency that Piper were with you, held lovingly in your arms. I finally finished reading all of your posts...after Piper died, I decided to read from the very beginning...I wanted to know her further, and yet I also found myself not wanting to read especially when I knew what the outcome was to be. Oh how I cried when she went into remission, and yet I cried when I saw those precious pictiures of her, and her and you, or her and daddy and sweet Linley, and still yet knowing...truthfully, it was like reading the last page of a book and then going back to the beginning. I so weep for you, my heart hurts for you...God love you...I will never even begin to imagine your grief and waking at the darkest hour before dawn I am sure feels like a curse when the reality of life comes into focus...know that I will keep you lifted in my prayers as often as I think of you. I will not forget you and your little family and whenever I am back home on my old stomping ground, Winder, Ga visiting my family, I will think of you there too.

  7. You don't know me, but I want you to know that a mama in Winder, Georgia prays for you. I have two little girls, too, and every time I read your journaling, I pray for peace for your heart, especially, but also that you will FEEL your baby girl. I pray that you see signs of her sweetness and feel her in the breeze somehow. Your pain is tangible.

    Lots of love...

  8. U won't remember me but u and Piper made a mark on my life. I took Piper to Aflac one day (i work in the ER at Scottish). I was about to take her upstairs and u said i think her temp has spiked. Piper was by no means a "frequent flier". I took ur word and re checked her temp and it was 102 axillary. U said "I knew it!" So I got the nurse to give her tylenol. U and I talked the whole way to Aflac. U told me about ur blog and Piper at the time was the same age as my daughter. We talked about our girls and their sass. This was well over a year now. I have followed ur journey the whole time since. Your love for Piper, Linley and Target and Starbucks. I guess in a way I could relate. I just want to say thank you. I have been with many parents when their children have as you have put it "ran into the arms of Jesus". But I have never known the after. The after they leave the hospital. After i help them pack their belongings and tell them they are in my prayers. Thank you for helping me to understand. I have thought about y'all the whole time. Thank you and Piper for making me a better person and better caregiver to the families I take care of daily.

  9. I watched the Pasion of the Christ the other day, and to see the hurt in Mary's eyes over loosing her son right in front of her reminded me that everything that we all go through has already been gone through. The Lord loves you, and he will carry you through this. We are praying for you and your family. Just read a great book Heaven is for real, it is about a 3 1/2 year old who went to heaven and gives his discriptions.

  10. There are no accidents. You woke up at 3:35 for a purpose. God was telling you something and needed your attention in the quiet. I pray constantly for God to give your comfort, understanding, peace, mercy, and any and all other needs you have.

  11. I don't know you.. but i stumbled across your blog. Your words speak to me. I do not know exactly what is in your heart, but I understand grief. It is eloquence personified. I send you love in this universe and hope for peace in your soul. "I cannot tell the spell that binds thy image in my heart..I only know thou art to my existence it's very vital part" --

  12. you don't know me. we will likely never meet, but I am praying for you, your family and your heart to find peace. to find strength.

    love to you.

  13. Oh dear Susanna-Praying, love all of you so, and here to walk alongside you... until He returns, or calls us home.

  14. We do not know each other and yet I cannot stop thinking about you and your family. I have 2 children ages 3 and 1. I ache for you and your loss. I pray for you, yet at times I do not know what to pray. So i pray that you will feel God's arms around you the same way Piper must have felt yours.
    from NC

  15. I am sorry....Such an ache. Such an emptiness. Such hope at where she is, waiting for you, smiling, dancing, laughing, waiting. And she knows what you know...she too will see you again. Sadness balanced by hope. But we do grieve...but with hope. May God continue to sustain you and enable you to persevere during these days raw with grief....Much love from a sister in Christ....