I'm typing this with my left hand... My right hand is filled with the sweet warmth of Piper. I cannot seem to break apart from her so long as she breathes the short breathes the oscillator allows. She will squeeze my fingers at times or nod her head when asked a question she likes, such as " do you know we love you?" and will shake her head "no" when we ask her if she is wonderful... Because my spunky girl prefers to be called "fabulous" or "amazing". Both which she is so I shower her with these true confidences.
Pipers room is filled with family and friends who love her. We pray over her. There is worship music playing and the truths of God flood us. Despite the grief I cannot wish away, knowing that the words I hum along with are constant brings the sweetest peace I have ever experienced in my life.
Our room here at St. Jude looks out over the main entrance. When I feel my heart seize up, as it does at times, I walk to the window and watch the families and patients walking to the door. Some skip and some trudge and everyone is comprehensive of what battles are fought here daily. I have seen fellow infant leukemia fighters Wesson, Matthew and Phoebe and I plead for their sweet miracles...knowing they are in the very best place for one.
I last heard that our St. Baldricks event raised over $16,00. This is amazing and a wonderful encouragement to me as I sit with Piper. I would never wish this pain on any other mother and with this money raised we are trending closer to funding cures and treatments for pediatric cancers. That would be a balm to my blistered heart if anything could.
So we continue to wait. Feeling Piper and her soft self, so unlike the girl in the past and yet still fabulously alive. I find myself sitting with her and crying while smiling. Praising while pleading. Lovingly letting my daughter loose into the arms of the only One who can possibly love her more than I have.