Hello Toes...

...I just have to show you off. You never looked so fancy. And all because a sweet girl from church sent me an incredibly kind and encouraging note way back in December (or January or March or October, they really all run together) and included a gift card to a local day spa for a pedicure. She didn't know that pedicures are my favorite weakness. And she definitely had not watched me walk the halls at CHOA and watch my feet swell and my legs ache. She had no clue what this meant to me both physically and emotionally. And I finally had a chance to use it. I followed it up with a jaunt to Barnes and Nobles where I picked up a magazine that I could zone out to uninterrupted. And instead I napped uninterrupted for an hour. I can only imagine what people were thinking of me. I'm going to tell myself that they were only noticing my pretty toes.

This was a good day filled with three fantabulous and reviving hours.

Mommy had a "melt"

When Linley was about 3 she went through a stage that involved her fair share of meltdowns. So many in fact that she began to just call them "Melts", instead of wasting all those syllables on a time taker word like meltdown. As in, " I had a Melt at the park today because you wouldn't let me eat the dirt." Something along those lines.

Anyways. Mommy had one. It was a doozy. My mom came running. So did some of her friends who fortunately/unfortunately live close enough to save me. It was difficult but my mom said that she has been waiting for this for 6 months. (What can I say mom, I just didn't have the time.) There were tears. There was a little bit of smiling. There was one amazing lady who took both girls and kept them until those tears subsided and the smiling became more frequent. There was another amazing lady who came and took away the puke filled sheets that sent me over the top and returned them warm and clean. And there has been a good many folks who have called to check up on me since then so either mom sent out an APB or God wants me to get some encouragement. Gotcha God.

The Melt came and the Melt went. And when I stood that night in the hot shower and cried those familiar tears that both drain and refuel, it was brought to my attention once again that I am taking too much on. I am worrying about things that I have no control over. I am worrying about things that are already in motion. And most of all I am worrying about details when I already know the ending. My Piper will someday die. As will I. And the rest of the world also will someday awaken face to face with a God who wants to know why we wasted our time worrying about a plan that He already secured the outcome of. His unending love covers the pains that I feel. And my job is to simply trust. It is both the freedom and the security of a God who loves me even more than I love my Piper and Linley.

Since Piper's diagnosis, aka: the day that shook my family forever, I have leaned on worship. A dear friend of mine who once walked through losing her twin boys at birth told me then to just listen. When I had no energy to talk. No time to read, I should just listen to worship music. (She then sent me 10 CDs to show me how serious she was...love her) I have received many CDs from countless others and at one point or another, I have found most songs to ring true in that moment. Lately the song All I Need is You by Kim Walker is my song. It rings true and it is what I desire. It touches me and I highly encourage you to check it out. That's where I am at, if anyone wants to know. Melts and all.

Junk

It's 4:34 on Sunday. Piper is 6 days post beginning this round of junk. And she feels very, very junky. So junky that Chad stayed home from church with her and so junky that she doesn't want to eat. Which causes all differ ant and unwelcome problems. As of right now, she has drunk about 10oz today and 4oz of those were given by syringe. She sits up and snacks every once in a while but mostly sleeps, whines and cuddles. Please pray she begins to eat SOON...if she dehydrates again we have to go back inpatient and I am not sure if anyone in this family can handle that right now.

My own Miss Fancy Pants Kindergartener

Linley loved Kindergarten and Mommy didn't embarrass her by sobbing. Overall, I would say Kindergarten shows great signs of being good for all involved. She bounced out of bed, happily ate her waffles, dressed in her new shirt, got "fancied up" with a hairbrush and a toothbrush and got to school on time. Linley had already met her teacher and knew that her best friend, Lylah from here at UGA was in her class so that was an additional boost of excitement. Plus her classroom has a loft and 7 fish, which surprisingly are 2 things that she has often begged us for at her own home. Score one for school being awesome.

As I mentioned before, Chad and I were both able to drop off and pick up. And of course, we had to have an ice cream date to celebrate the day. And of course there was a complete and total meltdown by 5:00 because she was up before God rose the sun and that is not in our nature to do. My Linley was a contented Kindergartner when she finally plopped herself into her bed and I was then free to contemplate doing all that sobbing. But I didn't because I was just so very proud of my independent girl...she just thrills me to no end.

Piper is happy and puking.

I wish I could simply write that Piper was doing wondefully but I can't lie. My 5 year old often reminds me (as she should) that lying is a sin, so we make it a point to not do too much of it. And so, Piper is doing ok. She has done 2 out of 5 days at the clinic without major incidence. Unfortunatley, after 4 WHOLE days puke-free she brought up her donuts this morning and then again at bedtime we revisited Pb and J sandwiches. Not fun for anyone. She is though, very happy. I am impressed with how cheerful she is, even when I am cleaning up her little face after a mess. She is being silly, energetic and sweet....just what we needed. Tomorrow is Chad and his moms visit to the clinic with Piper while I stay home and do the Linley side of things. And an awful lot of laundry as well.

Poor Piper hasnt slept on her actual bedsheet in over 2 months. She has been battling nausea and vomit off and on and it is much easier to have her sleep on a beach towel that is easily moveable when its christened. And fortunately, we hadnt changed that habit last night like I was planning. Unfortunately, the other people at the laundromat must think I am quite the pampered wife with all my pool time.

This is Piper eating donuts at the clinic today. I have found (by some weird coincedence that has nothing at all to do with my own love of Dunkin Donuts Caramel Blast and a simple cake donut in the morning) , that Piper loves the simple cake donuts from DD. She has not been offered a more sugary one and that is fine by me. But boy, does she like her donuts...she ate 2 before showing them back off to me an hour later. And tomorrow is Daddy's turn. Yesss.

Gearing up for crazy.

Tomorrow morning, super early if I might add, Linley begins Kindergarten. Chad and I will be among the throngs of whimpering and incredibly proud parents kissing their prized possessions off to another's responsibility. A little too emotional and scary if you ask me. But apparently an education is important for a 5 year old, especially if she needs to be curing cancer for kids like her sister. No pressure Linley, you super-genius you.

In all seriousness, Linley is thrilled. She needs to have some structure and some familiar faces day to day. She is very smart and is very sweet and is necessarily bossy should anyone take her watchfulness as timidity. I am confident that she will excel and I am proud of that little princess.

And just in case I have too much free time to worry about how she is doing 2 miles away, I can always call my mom and check on the other daughter. Because my mom is amazing and is taking Piper in for chemo tomorrow ALONE so that Chad and I can both be there for Linley on "the mostest important time in my very entire life mommy!". Piper will be having the 2nd to final round of chemo before she begins the much anticipated maintenance phase. Fortunately I have lots of "friends" (haha) who are oncologist/hematologist and they dig my Piper a lot and stuff so we were cleared to come in every morning and leave every evening all week instead of checking in to Hotel de Choa. The actual chemo will run for about 4 hrs and the "rescue drug" (which coats the kidneys) and the fluids will run an additional 4. That is 8 hrs total and that is a small, small, small room, folks. And Piper is a busy little, non-self walking little bugger so keeping up with her while dragging an IV pole around is not for the weak.

So please pray for my mom, myself, Chad and all the other helpers who are aiding us this week. Its going to be busy but I have felt extra impressed to pray for the effectiveness of these drugs. Thankfully, this past week has been heavenly as Piper has fully rebounded from what we are thinking was horrible acid reflux. Of course, not being able to know symptoms from my word-less wonder makes everything more difficult. But her Prevacid dose has been doubled and she a world of change! Watching her and Linley playing so happily together melts this non-emotional mommy...its what we have prayed for for so many years. Just in time for a possibly painful month but at least I am feeling rejuvenated and up for the challenge of it.

And I am up for it. So bring it on...Both Kindergarten and Chemo.

Zoo Atlanta

Piper stopped puking for an entire 3 days so we confirmed no rain for the day and loaded up the Camry and headed to Zoo Atlanta. Linley was thrilled, especially seeing as our small local zoo has 2 sleepy bears, an alligator and a few cool owls. She thought I was kidding when we told her there were giraffes and flamingos actually AT the Zoo as opposed to the neato books we pick up at the library. (Is that as sad as I think it is or am I just overthinking as I am apt to do?) Either way, the Zoo was awesome. My parents and aunt and uncle went in and bought us a years pass and we are psyched to go back...often. Happily. Here is the proof that we left the house yet again this summer. Proof that we were able to enjoy little snippets of this summer. Not how I planned but on Wednesday both girls were fantastic and these pictures are proof.