Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Mommy had a "melt"

When Linley was about 3 she went through a stage that involved her fair share of meltdowns. So many in fact that she began to just call them "Melts", instead of wasting all those syllables on a time taker word like meltdown. As in, " I had a Melt at the park today because you wouldn't let me eat the dirt." Something along those lines.

Anyways. Mommy had one. It was a doozy. My mom came running. So did some of her friends who fortunately/unfortunately live close enough to save me. It was difficult but my mom said that she has been waiting for this for 6 months. (What can I say mom, I just didn't have the time.) There were tears. There was a little bit of smiling. There was one amazing lady who took both girls and kept them until those tears subsided and the smiling became more frequent. There was another amazing lady who came and took away the puke filled sheets that sent me over the top and returned them warm and clean. And there has been a good many folks who have called to check up on me since then so either mom sent out an APB or God wants me to get some encouragement. Gotcha God.

The Melt came and the Melt went. And when I stood that night in the hot shower and cried those familiar tears that both drain and refuel, it was brought to my attention once again that I am taking too much on. I am worrying about things that I have no control over. I am worrying about things that are already in motion. And most of all I am worrying about details when I already know the ending. My Piper will someday die. As will I. And the rest of the world also will someday awaken face to face with a God who wants to know why we wasted our time worrying about a plan that He already secured the outcome of. His unending love covers the pains that I feel. And my job is to simply trust. It is both the freedom and the security of a God who loves me even more than I love my Piper and Linley.

Since Piper's diagnosis, aka: the day that shook my family forever, I have leaned on worship. A dear friend of mine who once walked through losing her twin boys at birth told me then to just listen. When I had no energy to talk. No time to read, I should just listen to worship music. (She then sent me 10 CDs to show me how serious she was...love her) I have received many CDs from countless others and at one point or another, I have found most songs to ring true in that moment. Lately the song All I Need is You by Kim Walker is my song. It rings true and it is what I desire. It touches me and I highly encourage you to check it out. That's where I am at, if anyone wants to know. Melts and all.


  1. I love you, Susanna!!!I love your openness and honesty. I love your beautiful love for your family! I love how you write, and how you share the ups and downs of the journey with all of us. I love that you want God more than anything else! I'm continually working on trusting His plans for my kids too - and thanking Him that His love for them is so much greater than my love for them could ever be. Hope Piper is feeling much better today. She's been in our prayers, as usual!! Hugs to you and yours!

  2. oh Susanna how I love you. your words touch me so deeply i cannot read without tears filling up my eyes. there is so much truth and pain and truth and love that i beleive i will be reading this posting over and over for some time. we are praying! we love you. Moriah told me today she has money she wants to give (out of her own hard working dollars :) for Piper and the other children at "Children's". It's not much now, but I think the Lord will bless the heart behind it. Thank you for laying these words out for all to see, we need them.

  3. Thanks for sharing Susanna... the ups & the downs. I'm honestly surprised you haven't had MORE melts! Your courage & strength amaze me. Hang in there, friend, and don't be afraid to ask for help!

  4. Ohhh, I'm so sorry! I wish I had known and I would have done something, anything to help! I feel like the worse neighbor in the world for not knowing. Please let me help you out sometime. Send Linley over or something, I'll do a load of laundry or pick up the groceries for you! Just let me know what I can do! It's hard for me to offer sometimes because I just don't think of things (I'm very scatter-brained these days) but if you need me to do something for you, just let me know!
    Karen (as in your next-door neighbor Karen)