Tuesday, October 6, 2009
scared
This afternoon after dropping Linley off with my mom, I headed down hwy 316 towards the hospital and had a good cry. I have never been so scared in my life...never felt so alone. I am so worried about Piper and her health, so worried about Linley being lost in all this shuffling around, worried about Chad and I and our marriage...just overwhelmed with worry. And please dont tell me that God is taking care of me or that its going to be ok...because I know that. I know in the long run I am going to make it, irregardless of how sweet Piper does. And yes, I know that God loves me but I also know that we live in a fallen world and that sometimes bad things happen no matter how hard I pray or cry or yell. I trust that the peace that has covered me the last 3 weeks will continue no matter how much I rail against God and I hope that when all of this is said and done, good or bad that I will look back with a newfound trust in God...no matter what.
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Praying for you this morning. I have no idea how you do it. You're living out one of a mother's very worst fears and you're doing it with grace and compassion. I imagine that if you hear "it will be ok" even one more time you just might explode. It's not ok, it's not fair, and the Lord is big enough to handle your honesty and questions.
ReplyDeleteSusanna,
ReplyDeleteWhat you experienced yesterday is normal! It's part of the acceptance process. You've moved from shock to anger now. That's not only normal, but extremely healthy.
I've always felt that the Lord understands better than I do where I am sometimes. It's ok to be mad at Him, confused and frustrated with lack of understanding. I can remember times during my stay at the ranch (and subsequent ones since then) where I would go into the field and yell at the sky for whatever it was that I was convinced I had been screwed about. It didn't always change things, but it always helped me to process.
So, I'm not going to tell you not to be mad. Yell, scream, and throw a full fledged hissy fit if you need to! As you said, you know all of the "heart warming christian stuff" that well meaning people say at times like these. I'm not handing out any of those things. Keep processing. Keep yelling. Keep taking one day at a time.
I'm not watching my baby endure this, but I've been the one in the bed. Romans 5:1-5 became a very dear thing to my heart, and the handle the Lord gave me when times were rough. This is the point at which you choose to live deliberately. You come to a greater understanding of how many choices we make in a day that we take for granted. But, you are at a point where you see Father's hand involved in the little things like never before.
You remain in my prayers.
-Hannah
amen to what hannah said :)!!! praying sweet friend I have never met.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family during this difficult time. Do not be afraid, for he is with you always.
ReplyDelete