Saturday, April 10, 2010

Meltdown in Aisle 4

...No, not my 9 month old. Not even my 5 year old. Me. Crying. In public. I rarely cry period so this, my friends, was BIG. It was all the fault of this incredibly sweet little girl barely holding herself up in the shopping cart in front of me. I asked her mother how old she was and found out that she was 5 months old and teething. I smiled and chatted a bit then it dawned on me that I can hardly remember Piper at 5 months ago. Apart from the steriod rages, the chemo burns, the lost sleep, the hall walking, the mout sores, the round the clock feedings...I remember those well. But I couldnt tell you when Piper smiled first because it rarely happend. I couldnt tell you when she sat up because it was random, whenever her bones wouldnt ache from the chemo. I couldnt tell you what my Linley learned in preschool at Thanksgiving because I wasnt there. This blasted Leukemia has taken so very much away from my family. I began to tear up and quickly walked away feeling very, very angry. I have felt many different emotions the last 7 months but Anger is one that I fight off. It is pointless. I have no one to blame for this disease. There is no one person who caused it. Nothing specifically done to bring it on so I keep the Anger at bay. Until that sweet little girl looked at me and I realized for the first, intense time just how much has been lost. Not only Piper but for best we will weather this storm and look back with relief that we made it. At worst it will continue to steal the very things that I cannot buy. I cannot relive. I cannot even remember that I missed. And for that, Leukemia sucks.

I am a little more emotional these last few days. Last weeks clinic visit un-nerved me. And I have 2 very dear friends who are facing very big trials. One is walking through a painful, ugly, divorce. The other an ectopic pregnancy. Each friend is very special to me and I am attempting to help them carry their new burdens because both of them have helped me carry mine. Hardest off all, I have many other friends who are facing little bumps and don't know it. Their worlds are not being rocked and they will fully remember and enjoy the memories they make every day, without ever realizing just how good they have it. As for me and my 2 amigos we are learning that sometimes this world is more painful than we can ever prepare for. I heard a song today by Amy Grant called "Better than a Hallelujah" and it rocked me. I am not one for contemporary christian music much, but youtube it and hear those words. This is the awesome God in control of the ugly in our lives. He will take my angry. My friends tears. Another souls turmoil and will change it into beautiful, vulnerable music. For that, I am blessed.


  1. "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth..." (Hosea 2:14-15)

    Susanna, I have nothing to say, nothing to offer that you haven't heard or don't know already. But I will tell you what I'm praying for you and your family. That the Lord would transform this valley of trouble into a door of hope. That He would speak tenderly to you and restore all you have lost, and then some. That one day, this would all be a distant memory as you watch your two healthy, beautiful daughters play and grow and learn and go to prom and get married and have babies of their own.

    I don't know if you'll get that chance; I don't know if I'll get that chance with my own daughters. I fight a desperate fight with fear every single day, and am faced with the reality that life doesn't go like we plan every single time I look at my Maggie or think about what Scott has had to endure. So I cannot honestly say that I believe this life will be a bed of roses for any of us. But I can say that I believe that the Lord is faithful. I don't know what that looks like, but I believe it anyway.

    I will continue to pray for you and your sweet family. I am really grateful that you are choosing to share this journey. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability and you inspire me to make the most of every moment with my own family.

  2. I Love you and your family. its so hard ...its like why does life have to be this hard? why cant we get thrown a bone once in a while?

    in my case its like 2 kids. hubby going thru brain cancer, and my family is 11 hrs away i cant even cry or use the potty without a toddler on me and andys been in bed so its just me and my lil ones 24/7....i hear ya about the mother said to me today..ya know Kelly there is another side...and how i cant wait to get to that other side and cry over a broken nail instead of a broken family