...No, not my 9 month old. Not even my 5 year old. Me. Crying. In public. I rarely cry period so this, my friends, was BIG. It was all the fault of this incredibly sweet little girl barely holding herself up in the shopping cart in front of me. I asked her mother how old she was and found out that she was 5 months old and teething. I smiled and chatted a bit then it dawned on me that I can hardly remember Piper at 5 months ago. Apart from the steriod rages, the chemo burns, the lost sleep, the hall walking, the mout sores, the round the clock feedings...I remember those well. But I couldnt tell you when Piper smiled first because it rarely happend. I couldnt tell you when she sat up because it was random, whenever her bones wouldnt ache from the chemo. I couldnt tell you what my Linley learned in preschool at Thanksgiving because I wasnt there. This blasted Leukemia has taken so very much away from my family. I began to tear up and quickly walked away feeling very, very angry. I have felt many different emotions the last 7 months but Anger is one that I fight off. It is pointless. I have no one to blame for this disease. There is no one person who caused it. Nothing specifically done to bring it on so I keep the Anger at bay. Until that sweet little girl looked at me and I realized for the first, intense time just how much has been lost. Not only Piper but for Linley...at best we will weather this storm and look back with relief that we made it. At worst it will continue to steal the very things that I cannot buy. I cannot relive. I cannot even remember that I missed. And for that, Leukemia sucks.
I am a little more emotional these last few days. Last weeks clinic visit un-nerved me. And I have 2 very dear friends who are facing very big trials. One is walking through a painful, ugly, divorce. The other an ectopic pregnancy. Each friend is very special to me and I am attempting to help them carry their new burdens because both of them have helped me carry mine. Hardest off all, I have many other friends who are facing little bumps and don't know it. Their worlds are not being rocked and they will fully remember and enjoy the memories they make every day, without ever realizing just how good they have it. As for me and my 2 amigos we are learning that sometimes this world is more painful than we can ever prepare for. I heard a song today by Amy Grant called "Better than a Hallelujah" and it rocked me. I am not one for contemporary christian music much, but youtube it and hear those words. This is the awesome God in control of the ugly in our lives. He will take my angry. My friends tears. Another souls turmoil and will change it into beautiful, vulnerable music. For that, I am blessed.