Thursday, April 5, 2012

Grief

I never knew that grief was so fluid.

That it would absorb my every fiber.

That one minute I would be shopping for toothbrushes at Target and the next I would be leaning against the wall, struggling to breathe deeply. That I would be absorbed in a dinner with the family and suddenly remember the warmth of her skin and find myself staring off into the traffic passing us by. That my arms, which have either caressed a swollen belly or held a needy little girl for three years, will feel empty by my side. And that when this grief begins to wash over me that I must brace myself for fear of falling with the weight of it and never getting back up...

Never.

Content to just lie prostate and weep.

Oh this grief hurts like I had never allowed my weary self to imagine. When Piper was first diagnosed I remember thinking that I would either spend the rest of my life worrying or the rest of my life grieving...

And here I am. Grieving.

I so wish I were worrying...I can fix worrying with the sweet smile of the best two year old out there. I could throw parenting rules into the wind and pull Piper into bed with me at midnight to smell her throughout my night. I could count her toes and kiss her fingertips. Her steady breathe could easily help me to focus...on the now.

Not grief. Grief numbs you. And when you spend the majority of your day staying as busy as possible, with this blessed numbness you are okay. But at some point another wave comes...and grief once again fills you to capacity and leaves you gasping for air or hope or some sort of lifeline. And once you feel as though you may never breathe deeply again you are drained into that numbness that allows you to walk. And eat. And shower. And smile. And be.

I wish I was worrying. I wish I was not simultaneously missing the child I raised and grieving the young lady I will never get to know. I wish grief was not an option but I know it is...it's a necessary step to relearning my life and to loving the husband who stands by his weeping wife and the seven year old who needs her mothers adoration.

I must learn to grieve properly so that I can live properly. I cannot allow myself to remain numb, however easy it may be, when it only keeps the waves from toppling me for a minute. When the minute is done being delayed I will once again feel my fingers tingle and my heart seize and my ears burn and every single fiber of my physical and mental and emotional self will go under the wave that grief brings. I've heard that time helps... I imagine that I will know this to be true or false on the days, months and years to come.

But right now...thirty two hours after last seeing the blue of Pipers eyes and feeling the squeeze of her hands, I simply grieve her loss. I simply miss being her mommy and I sob for it.

36 comments:

  1. I know that these may just seem like words -but I am a friend of your friend Anne Nunn.My name is Deb Sanders and used to attend Christ's Center where she attends for a lot of years.I also cared for her boys in the NICU where I am an RN.I have been following your blog through her and praying for your sweet family.Please that we will continue to pray and while we shed many tears for your loss right now we also rejoice with you that her body is healthy now too ...You have an amazing gift of sharing your story-thank you for having the courage to do so....

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  2. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I can't imagine the amount of loss you feel, complicated with the joy of knowing your little baby is no longer suffering. I don't think the loss of a child is something that ever lets go of you, or that you stop ever grieving. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone. I'm sure it's opened up eyes for many to cherish every moment with their child(ren) rather than take moments for granted.

    Hang in there. You will see Piper's gorgeous blue eyes again.

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  3. I grieve with you and for you. I pray for God's comfort for you.

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  4. Susanna, I grieved for my friend who died in front of my eyes 18 years ago for 5 years as I remember. For 5 years I thought about her everyday and thought why she had to go so early. But I know you will remember your dear Daughter for the rest of your life! I cry when I type this because I know what it is to loose someone close to you (but not my own child...) and I just pray that in your grieving process God is with you and comforts you and that every time you feel this heavy wave coming over you can dive in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father! Your family is in His hands as He knows how you are feeling... with warm hug, Hanna Nurmi

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  5. my heart aches for you. How cruel this world can be.
    I pray for you, send love to you, weep for you.
    May God be with you, holding you. I know he weeps for your pain, as Jesus did for Matha and Mary, and as a Father who watched his son die.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  6. My heart just breaks for you, I can't imagine how you feel, you truly are the strongest woman I know and I praise you for that ! God will give you strength, and comfort, he is honored to be holding precious Piper in his arms, she is at peace and no more pain. We are continuing to pray for you all God Bless You!!

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  7. You and your precious family are being lifted up in prayer daily. We can share a shadow of your grief...but only a shadow. I pray that God will faithfully match your all-encompassing grief with His peace.

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  8. Dear Needham family please know we are holding you up in prayer as our hearts break for you. Lord please surround this family with your goodness and mercy and love. Thank you Lord for the fabulously spunky Piper Jean and thank you for the legacy she has left behind and thank you for everyday you blessed her and her family with. Amen

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  9. Someone once told me that the burden of such a loss never goes away, but only gets easier to carry. I will pray that in these moments healing will occur and that you will find comfort and peace in time. I'll be praying for you, Chad, and Linley.

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  10. You do not know me, but I have been following Piper's story. This is the first time I have posted, though I have prayed daily for Piper and your family. I will be faithful to continue to pray for your family. My heart breaks for you and I cry for your pain. Piper is the lucky one, she is with Jesus, happy and healthy. How I long for us all to be called home!

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  11. Words cannot express how deeply saddend I feel for you and Chad and Linley.
    I am praying for God to hold you up and fill you with peace that surpasses all understanding. You are an amazing mother.

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  12. Hurting with you. Still praying for overwhelming peace and comfort.

    You Are Good, Nichole Nordeman

    "With ever breath I take in
    I'll tell you I'm grateful again
    When the moon climbs high
    Before each kiss goodnight
    You are good

    When the road starts to turn
    Around each bend I've learned
    You are good so good
    And when somebody's hand
    Holds me up helps me stand
    You are so good

    With every breath I take in
    I'll tell You I'm grateful again
    'Cause its more than enough
    Just to know I am loved
    And You are good

    So how can I thank You
    What can I bring
    What can these poor hands
    Lay at the feet of a King
    I'll sing You a love song
    It's all that I have
    To tell You I'm grateful
    For holding my life in Your Hands

    When it's dark and it's cold
    And I can't feel my soul
    You are so good
    When the world is gone gray
    And the rain's here to stay
    You are still good

    So with every breath I take in
    I'll tell You I am grateful again
    And the storm my swell
    Even then it's well and You are good"

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  13. Oh dear Susanna ... Praying He will continue to be your very present comfort and guide during your "time to mourn" and "time to weep". Praying for your dear Linley and Chad too. We do love you so.

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  14. Do try to be gracious to yourself. Thirty-two hours is nowhere near the time it will take to regain a sense of normalcy ... and 'normal' will forever be painful, to varying degrees. But God will give you grace to feel again, to bask in the warmth of His smile upon your life, and rest in His changeless love. His mercies are new every day.

    Two months is too little
    They let him go
    They had no sudden healing
    To think that providence
    Would take a child from his mother
    While she prays, is appalling
    Who told us we'd be rescued
    What has changed and
    Why should we be saved from nightmares
    Were asking why this happens to us
    Who have died to live, it's unfair
    This is what it means to be held
    How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive
    This is what it is to be loved and to know
    That the promise was that when everything fell
    We'd be held
    This hand is bitterness
    We want to taste it and
    Let the hatred numb our sorrows
    The wise hand opens slowly
    To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
    This is what it means to be held
    How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive
    This is what it is to be loved and to know
    That the promise was that when everything fell
    We'd be held
    If hope if born of suffering
    If this is only the beginning
    Can we not wait, for one hour
    Watching for our savior
    This is what it means to be held
    How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive
    This is what it is to be loved and to know
    That the promise was that when everything fell
    We'd be held

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  15. Praying that even when your grief seems to overwhelm that that is where God's presence is the strongest. I have to share something in the hopes that it may help and bring comfort. Many years ago I lost my father unexpectedly to Cancer. I had know idea how to handle the intense physical pain that came from missing him. So I went for long drives, walks, got alone however I could and I would talk to God in the form of shouting, asking, crying, frustrations, more shouting, more asking...all my emotions were taken to His feet. I didn't get any answers but those times when I shared my raw, true feelings with God those were the times I felt wrapped in His presence and His peace and I felt something new, He was crying along with me and actually knowing my pain. That brought more comfort than anything else I could have imagined. I have to imagine that losing a child cannot even compare to losing my dad because just the thought of losing one of my kids starts a physical pain that I can't comprehend but I did want to share the above...just in case it might help. Much love to you guys, praying for that unexplainable peace and for the grief to not stop you from hearing His heart for you and your family.

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  16. Sus,
    I have been following the last few months of this journey with you. Weeping with you. This post today is the one I relate to the most. My grief has not been the same as yours, as I think no two lives are mourned the same way of course. But I found such encouragement from you, the one who we all should be encouraging. When you said, "I must learn to grieve properly so that I can live properly. I cannot allow myself to remain numb, however easy it may be, when it only keeps the waves from toppling me for a minute." Wow. Such insight. I treasure those words and am still struggling to live that, as numbness makes things "seem" better. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. I continue to pray for peace for you and your family. May you continue to experience peace that passes all understanding.

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  17. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

    http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

    http://ofmenandmountains.wordpress.com/

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  18. You don't know me, I never had the opportunity to meet your precious daughter, but through several mutual friends posting updates about her my heart has become more than burdened for your family. Please know if the days and months ahead I will continue to pray for you, your husband and your daughter, Linley. Praying that you will be held in the comfort of our precious Savior, especially when you feel too weak to stand.

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  19. Bless you, bless you, bless you....so real, so hard and so true....Tears are holy. Just as smiles were holy responses to the gift of Piper I believe tears are a holy and proper response to the loss of Piper's physical presence. God gave you a gift, you knew it, you loved her....she knew your love. Tears tell God, in my opinion, that you are still thankful for the gift of her... That she was a good gift as He said she was and you miss her. Give yourself time...God is in you....this should hurt. Her coming was joyful...Her going is rightly painful...God will show you how to grieve and how to live at the same time...Praying for peace as you grieve for the absence of the wonderful gift of Piper Jean. ♥

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  20. Praying for you precious family..

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  21. http://zradio.org/listen/ christian radio station that you can listen to online. Still praying for your beautiful family.

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  22. My heart breaks for you and your family. Words can tell you how we hurt for you but the only real help is through our Heavenly Father. I grew up hearing about the loss of what was my older brother. I knew that my mom had sent him to the store down on the corner and he didn't even take off his skates. He went in and bought what she wanted and skated back out the door right in front of a car. He was 6 yrs old. His buddy continued on back home and in the door announcing that "George was dead". It wasn't till after I had kids of my own that my mom talked about that time. She said the most overwhelming grief she had ever known swept over her and she thought she would die. She began to cry out to the Lord. God gave her a peace (the peace that passeth all understanding)that helped her live through the days ahead. That was in 1931 and mom told me over and over that God's peace and love were what kept her going.

    I share that with you because that's my prayer for you... that God will give you that peace that passes ALL understanding and wrap you and your family in His all encompassing love!

    Many prayers coming your way

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  23. I wish that I had comforting words to offer you right now. Unfortunately I do not and all I can do is pray. Pray that God comforts you. Pray that one day you will be able to handle your grief. I began following a blog two years ago where their child passed away suddenly in the middle of the night. She has been very open about her grief and healing process. When you feel that you are ready to perhaps read that I will share the link with you. Email me when the time is right - laurabethpalmer@gmail.com

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  24. Susanna, Yesterday morning when I was praying for you all and thinking about you, a song kept ringing in my head. At first, I thought it was an odd song given what I was praying at the time, until it got to this one line in the song and then it made sense to me. The line was "Many waters cannot quench this love". Right now, and for some time to come, your tears are many waters. But we know and I know you know very well, this His love remains. It is all we have to hold on to in times like these. And the prayers and love of all who care about you will also help to uphold you. Sending generous hugs and prayers your way! All our love, Jeff and Sherry Ghiotto

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  25. Prayers continue for The Needham Family that in days to come you will continue to feel the love of God and feel the hugging that is being done to your family by so many people all over the world.

    Jackie

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  26. Grief will always come in waves or for me it still does and seems like yesterday that I was going all over the hospital to find that one bag of goldfish just to see my sweet girl light up and take that first bite and know it was all worth it. I can tell you one thing paying it forward helps me to hope that one more family wnt go through what we have went through. I still cnt remember to much without the tears flowing but now they have to flow over a smile on my face I figured my mind wnt allow me to handle to much at once but when its ready. I know that through it all I feel my sweet Pyper with me holding my hand and I can see that big beautiful smile and somehow I know all things are possible through Christ and with my angel I can move forward. I was blessed as you were to have our girls and I dnt regret one day bt like you i wld much rather now have WORRY over GRIEF! Luv you guys very much and Im hear for you day or night. I know just like I was told Piper is very proud of all of you just like my Pyper was of me. Hugs and prayers Mandy

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  27. Your precious posts make me weep with and for you. I will continue to pray. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

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  28. Continued prayers and continuing to think of you

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  29. You will always be her mommy. that will never, ever change. She knew you loved her. She will always know love. I will continue to pray for strength for your family.

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  30. You amaze me. Please know that you and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  31. My heart is so heavy for you. I rec'd this blog via a friend of mine on Fb...grief has no timetable, no warning, its unpredictable.
    May God's transcedent continue to pervade your grief.

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  32. My heart breaks for you. I can not imagine how much your heart hurts. Please know we continue to pray for you, for your grieving process, for peace and strength. I continue to weep and pray for your family's loss of your sweet amazing Piper. You amaze me!!

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  33. I cannot begin to imagine the pain, the grief that you feel. My heart breaks when my mind attempts to go there. I glory in a God who loves us so much that He willingly chose to accept that same grief and pain that you are experiencing. I rest in the truth that He sees your every tear and captures them in a bottle. He will carry you. I continue to pray for you and your sweet family, that the days will get easier, the grief will subside so that the memories are only precious and not painful.

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  34. Praying for you and your family. May the hope of Easter bring you comfort and peace. He is risen! He has conquered death. May he bring you rest. I am so very sorry about the loss of your precious Piper.

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  35. God bless your baby girl's soul...and God bless your heart. Piper IS still next to you in bed as you weep...in Target as the grief suddenly starts to choke you and you feel as if you're about to suffocate...she IS there and she now holds YOUR precious hand and will be your crutch...your constant...your strength...your......YOUR ANGEL! Feel her presence and talk to her and let her help you heal...guide you when you feel lost and kiss your forehead when you're curled up in a ball crying and craving the warmth of her touch...she is the way...she through God's hands IS with you...right now and tomorrow and next month and next year and everyday until she knows her Mommy is going to be okay. Piper is where we all really want to be...she is blessed and she walks with God now and she feels no pain or suffering so let her be your light because she IS with you- 24/7 lean on her Mommy and may you walk without a heavy heart and find peace and comfort.

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