Wednesday, June 23, 2010

slumping away

I am not going to lie. I am having a moment. Well, that's not entirely true. I was having a moment many moments ago and now I am classifying myself as "slumped". Overwhelmed would suffice as well as discouraged.

No. No real reason. Steroid week here in la casa de Needham is horrid. Tiring. Exhausting. A constant reminder that all is not (entirely) well around here. But steroids happen. About every 4 weeks give or take. I roll with it. You know, forget about doing dishes and/or laundry and just attempt to hug on Piper and squeak out some quality time with Linely. Oh, yeah, the hubby. Him too. Like I said, we roll with it.

Except mommy is in a slump. I am tired. I am crying a lot. There is yelling going on and its the lady in charge, not the kiddos. You know what though? I am attempting to focus on today. Not tomorrow. Not Thanksgiving. Not anything other than today...which may be easier to do when Piper is not on 2x daily steroids, but even then I am not sure.

I have this overwhelming urge to pack the girls and the hubs and get into my car and just GO. (Especially because for once, my car is reliable...and good on gas. We could make it clear to California with no problemos.)

I want to get away from blood counts, chemo, food issues, guilt, scrubs, uncertainty, the smell of heparin, and bald heads. I just want to go back to the way things used to be. Back to when I thought Chad not having a great job was worth the time I spent complaining about it. Back to when having a rough time getting Linley to bed was enough to wear me out. Back to when I was able to dream in confidence about little matching girls running in the grass. Or sisters giggling in bed at night. Or two blond heads looking ahead at the road as they pull away for some retail therapy. Or even adding many, many more beautiful blond heads to the annual Christmas card. I have dreams but they are uncertain at best. This is exhausting. I am exhausted. Nothing in this world can give me rest. The one Source that I know I should lean on seems like just too much work.

Yes, I know...

Today is a gift.

This is a season.

Life goes on.

Have big dreams.

Trust in the Lord.

I KNOW. But I just cant seem to shake this slump. I just cant seem to sleep at night. Or rest my heart and mind enough to feel relief from this overwhelming discouragement.


  1. it was great to see your real face today instead of just your virtual face :) i will be praying that the Lord will give you enough for today and that you will be able to rest in Him.

  2. Unfortunately, I have nothing to offer but my prayers. Hang in there! You are an amazing woman.

  3. i love you, i love you, i love you. thank you for sharing your heart with us. is there anything at all i can do, even if it means hanging out with one or both of your little blonds so you can have a moment to slip away, to hug on your husband, to get a coke or fancy iced coffee... anything! let me know,

  4. Just remember there are so many of us out there praying and loving you. I would love to do something to help you if I could!!!

  5. Oh, Sus How much you have taught me and continue to bring me to realize how strong your faith is and how healing opening your heart is. You expose all of your thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes for us to know and that takes courage. When I consider my own journey of belief and study, I sense I am an infant compared to you! All of your yearnings are to be expected and they are not falling on deaf ears. I continue to pray for you and your beautiful family. May Comfort and Peace be yours today and in the days ahead.

  6. Sus,
    just want you to know from another mommy who has cancer and steroids, and mood swings, and freak outs, and doubt, and hope all wrapped up that I lift you and your family up in prayer because the process is all so draining especially when we dont know what the future holds....its so much easier to be happy if we know its all going to pan out...I love you u have always been so dear to me!