I am not going to lie. I am having a moment. Well, that's not entirely true. I was having a moment many moments ago and now I am classifying myself as "slumped". Overwhelmed would suffice as well as discouraged.
No. No real reason. Steroid week here in la casa de Needham is horrid. Tiring. Exhausting. A constant reminder that all is not (entirely) well around here. But steroids happen. About every 4 weeks give or take. I roll with it. You know, forget about doing dishes and/or laundry and just attempt to hug on Piper and squeak out some quality time with Linely. Oh, yeah, the hubby. Him too. Like I said, we roll with it.
Except mommy is in a slump. I am tired. I am crying a lot. There is yelling going on and its the lady in charge, not the kiddos. You know what though? I am attempting to focus on today. Not tomorrow. Not Thanksgiving. Not anything other than today...which may be easier to do when Piper is not on 2x daily steroids, but even then I am not sure.
I have this overwhelming urge to pack the girls and the hubs and get into my car and just GO. (Especially because for once, my car is reliable...and good on gas. We could make it clear to California with no problemos.)
I want to get away from blood counts, chemo, food issues, guilt, scrubs, uncertainty, the smell of heparin, and bald heads. I just want to go back to the way things used to be. Back to when I thought Chad not having a great job was worth the time I spent complaining about it. Back to when having a rough time getting Linley to bed was enough to wear me out. Back to when I was able to dream in confidence about little matching girls running in the grass. Or sisters giggling in bed at night. Or two blond heads looking ahead at the road as they pull away for some retail therapy. Or even adding many, many more beautiful blond heads to the annual Christmas card. I have dreams but they are uncertain at best. This is exhausting. I am exhausted. Nothing in this world can give me rest. The one Source that I know I should lean on seems like just too much work.
Yes, I know...
Today is a gift.
This is a season.
Life goes on.
Have big dreams.
Trust in the Lord.
I KNOW. But I just cant seem to shake this slump. I just cant seem to sleep at night. Or rest my heart and mind enough to feel relief from this overwhelming discouragement.