My apologies for that bitter rant last post. I try to be honest but not ugly when I update this thingy but there are just some days...
And those "some days" are not usually the ones you would imagine to be the hardest. I am finding that I get unhinged over much different things lately. You would think it was all about Leukemia, because that it the proverbial elephant in every darn room around. But it's not. It's my purse dropping in the car while I am reaching for the phone. It's being 23cents short when I am checking out at Target. It's stubbing my toe. It's an empty gas tank. Its pants that are dirty when I want to wear them. Its a blasted Migraine headache when all I wanted was to worship God at church. It's all those little things. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why the little things are getting me and yet I deal with the big picture just fine.
I figured it out today and its a humbling and foolish discovery. I am expecting God to give me a golden path. I feel like "OK God, I can handle Leukemia and all its doing in my world, but I really think I deserve smooth sailing in EVERY other area". And don't you know that's not how God works? I am wanting him to bless us extra, extra in all the other aspects of my life in return for me being faithful and trusting when it comes to Piper. How embarrassing. How naive. How just plain dumb. I should not be faithful and trusting because I think that its going to make things go my way.
God is in the Leukemia's in our life and He is also in the empty gas tanks. He is both big and small and complex and simple. I cannot chose to trust Him while we journey through the next 2 years and not trust Him to either find me 23 cents or to give me patience. And I will tell you right now that I have one sweet 4 year old and a loving 29 year old who would really love it if this lady were to get her act together and be a little more patient and truly trusting.
No more bitter rants. I promise to be ugly and honest but no more bitter...
You are doing GREAT. God is not afraid of your bitter. He can handle it. Hang in there, friend!
ReplyDeleteSus, you continue to amaze me. Your honesty truly makes me step out of my meager enclosure and preview the bigger pictures that life has to offer. I needed to hear that, thank you for ranting, you raving lunatic. And i promise that for a long time I thought God was like my magic geanie... Yeah it sucks right now so I will just ask God to touch me with his wand and change me so I can get it together. But I see as I draw closer to his face and listen to his voice and desire Him above my personal selfish gain (is that possible), something in me changes. And for that I am eternally grateful. Love you tons.
ReplyDeletemj
Oh I can so relate ..when my son had cancer I would be pissed because it was pouring down rain on our way to MD Anderson. Or when we were done, there would be so much TRAFFIC, or the pharmacy would take so long to fill the presciptions. I felt the same way - God gave us cancer to deal, so EVERYTHING else in my life should go smoothly so I can function somewhat as a Mother to two other children and be a wife sort of. Sounds like your faith in GOD will see you and your family through this. The best thing is to let it out, I held it in for 6 months and then fell apart after he went into remission. It will be a year and a half of remission June 10, 2010. Hodgkins Lymphoma Stage three. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDelete