Thirty long months ago I thought the worst thing in the world was being told Piper had leukemia. Then I adjusted. Seven months ago I thought the worst thing in the world was being told Piper had relapsed. Two months ago I thought it was being told she had relapsed yet again. Then I was certain it was having Piper transferred to the ICU. Then I was certain it was being told she was no longer stable but was unstable.
I was wrong each time.
The worst thing in my world so far is watching Piper stop breathing before my eyes. It was standing at the end of the bed and watching her oxygen rate drop from 92 to 8 in only seconds. It was seeing the panic on the doctors face and the rush of medical personal who filled the room and the request for a crash cart being heard over vital stats. It was hearing the respitory therapist say "we have a problem". It was seeing only a sliver of her little body and seeing it turn blue while they struggled to get her to breath. It was the knowledge that Piper was dying before my eyes and that this was exactly what Chad and I didn't want to happen...and it almost did.
When I first saw Pipers stats begin to plummet I watched...my arms were crossed and I began to feel numb. At some point I found myself sinking. Literally. Sinking into the ground as I wept silently and fiercely.
And all around me was chaos.
It took two hours for them to stabilize Piper and more medications than I could ever attempt to remember. She is back to being given the vec as a paralytic and she has a new pic line in place. Oxygen from the ventilator is back at full force and she is sedated completely. Her stats are stabilizing and she is being monitored more closely than I ever had wished to need. She is being given blood and platelets as well.
I miss her so.
I have had enough heartache in this day. While watching this all from the corner of the room I kept praying...I prayed for God to save my girl at the same moment I ached to see her pain lifted. I cannot fathom losing Piper and yet in the moment that I almost did I felt a peace throughout.
Remember please, that I know who holds her future...tonight, while it rocked me, was not a surprise. And if indeed Piper is not long for this earth I am consoled by the fact that she is going to be held closely by the one who made her. I will never stop praying for the miracle that I am certain God is capable of but I am choosing right now, in my fear and sadness to chose hope and peace as my solid rock.
All other ground is sinking sand.