Thursday, March 29, 2012

Update 3/29/12 (resuscitation)

Thirty long months ago I thought the worst thing in the world was being told Piper had leukemia. Then I adjusted. Seven months ago I thought the worst thing in the world was being told Piper had relapsed. Two months ago I thought it was being told she had relapsed yet again. Then I was certain it was having Piper transferred to the ICU. Then I was certain it was being told she was no longer stable but was unstable.

I was wrong each time.

The worst thing in my world so far is watching Piper stop breathing before my eyes. It was standing at the end of the bed and watching her oxygen rate drop from 92 to 8 in only seconds. It was seeing the panic on the doctors face and the rush of medical personal who filled the room and the request for a crash cart being heard over vital stats. It was hearing the respitory therapist say "we have a problem". It was seeing only a sliver of her little body and seeing it turn blue while they struggled to get her to breath. It was the knowledge that Piper was dying before my eyes and that this was exactly what Chad and I didn't want to happen...and it almost did.

When I first saw Pipers stats begin to plummet I watched...my arms were crossed and I began to feel numb. At some point I found myself sinking. Literally. Sinking into the ground as I wept silently and fiercely.


And all around me was chaos.


It took two hours for them to stabilize Piper and more medications than I could ever attempt to remember. She is back to being given the vec as a paralytic and she has a new pic line in place. Oxygen from the ventilator is back at full force and she is sedated completely. Her stats are stabilizing and she is being monitored more closely than I ever had wished to need. She is being given blood and platelets as well.

I miss her so.

I have had enough heartache in this day. While watching this all from the corner of the room I kept praying...I prayed for God to save my girl at the same moment I ached to see her pain lifted. I cannot fathom losing Piper and yet in the moment that I almost did I felt a peace throughout.

Remember please, that I know who holds her future...tonight, while it rocked me, was not a surprise. And if indeed Piper is not long for this earth I am consoled by the fact that she is going to be held closely by the one who made her. I will never stop praying for the miracle that I am certain God is capable of but I am choosing right now, in my fear and sadness to chose hope and peace as my solid rock.

All other ground is sinking sand.



24 comments:

  1. I read every one if your posts, but have never commented before. We don't know one another. Chances are, we will never meet. Our beliefs are very different. However, I hurt for you. I pray for you. I physically ache for you. From one mother's heart to another's...I wish you strength, peace and comfort in the days ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sus, I weep with you. My heart breaks and I plead before the Lord for healing! I'm also lifting you up, my friend. Your family is loved, and cared for so deeply by so many!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have been up praying for Piper and reading scripture over her tonight. Sweet Piper, I pray that you will have life and have life abundantly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No words, just tears... So glad we share the same faith. Can't imagine someone going through this without Him.
    Knowing you lean on His everlasting arms gives me some peace in the midst of the tears...
    -Jen

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can not pretend to know what you are going through. Not in the least. I pray for Piper every day. I also pray for you. For strength, for hope, to keep faith, and for peace. Reading this was hard! However, physically seeing her lying there helpless, I broke. Small precious children should not endure so much, no one should. However, she is strong, she has defied the odds a little so far and keeps pushing on. I will continue to pray for you, your family, the medical staff, and sweet little Piper. Hang in there lil angel, lots of people are praying for u!! God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so sorry to hear about Piper. I pray for her, your family & those who are caring for her. I don't know you, but feel as though I do. May the Lord give you strength to get through this time. If it is God's will I pray for a miracle for sweet Piper. Your family is in my thoughts & prayers always.

    ReplyDelete
  7. sus, i have no words. i've been praying wordless prayers because i don't know how to ask the Lord to do all the things that need to be done for her, and for you all. all i know, is that the one who made you will continue to hold you, even as He holds her too. He loves you so fiercely, and i am believing that you will continue to feel that overwhelming peace He has and will blanket you with. i love you friend, and will continue to believe with you for that day when all of this is distant memory and piper is full of the sass and spunk and energy she so clearly has held onto throughout all of this.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've been having a hard time sleeping tonight and came upstairs to tuck my child into bed one more time for the night. I felt an urge to check my computer to see if there was anything I needed to see before going back to sleep. God knew I needed to read about Piper and pray a very special prayer for the two of you right now. Still praying for a miracle for her, and it pains me so to read your words. My mind can't even comprehend how you are surviving this, but my heart knows our Father is holding you especially close tonight. Love from my family to yours....even though we don't know each other.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Replies
    1. We are sending prayers of peace and strength for the journey. For you all. Most especially for your sweet Piper.

      The other Needham family in California

      Delete
  10. Praying for piper and you through tears from my own daughters hospital room in Indiana. (currently going through stem cell transplant for brain tumor). I too have stood helplessly by in an icu room several months ago and experienced the peace that you have. Fervently praying

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am praying for your sweet girl and for your family. You all are in my thoughts and prayers throughout my days and my nights as I look at my own baby. I will pray for sweet moments with our Creator and sweet moments with Piper and sweet moments with each other. I will pray for healing and peace. I will pray for strength. God Bless and know that someone in Columbus, GA is lifting you up before the Father and wishing she could do more.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is my first time reading your blog, and I just wanted to let you know that I shall keep you in my prayers. I have a daughter with lupus who was in remission, and whose disease has reared its' ugly head again. We almost lost her once, too, and a miracle was granted then. I am praying for your miracle now - whether it be that your sweet Piper stays with you, or that you find that peace and strength within you as she meets her Heavenly Maker. God bless you and keep you safe in His graces.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I pray for you and your little girl, your rock.

    ReplyDelete
  14. As always, praying for all of you, especially Sweet Piper, what a fighter she is!

    We will just keep hoping and praying for a miracle.


    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am praying for peace, strength and a miracle!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I pray for Piper many times a day, and I have asked that my church pray for her as well. I check to get your updates constantly. It breaks my heart to read this post. I cry and cry, and I beg and beg God for a miracle. I know that nothing anyone can say can help your pain, but just know that Piper, you, and your family are being prayed for by SO many people. Your faith and strength have touched so many. I love your sweet Piper.
    Shay Rubin

    ReplyDelete
  17. Love and prayers for you all. there ate no words, so i will not even try XxX

    ReplyDelete
  18. I agree with Jacqui, there are simply no words. I don't know you or Piper, but I am crying for you. And praying. God bless you all and especially sweet Piper.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Susanne please call me if your up to it. I miss you guys so much. I showed Aidyn Pipers picture and he hugged and kissed her. I am ever praying for God's will with Piper. I am also praying for you and your family for strength and comfort. My cell number is Dora 706-987-2770. I've missed placed your number. Love you all.

    Dora and Aidyn

    ReplyDelete
  20. My heart breaks for you. I will be praying so hard for Piper and your family. A little baby and her parents should not have to go through this.

    ReplyDelete
  21. My heart breaks for you and your family. Lots of prayers for your little one.

    ReplyDelete
  22. As I was praying for Piper on Thursday night the Lord gave me an impression. I saw Piper with a full, I mean all the way down her back, beautiful head of hair. She was holding Jesus' hand and they were running through a gorgeous, lush meadow. As I watched I could literally feel Piper's emotions. She was happy, at peace and at home. It was beautiful picture.


    Randy Greene

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am Scott and Britney's friend. I am praying for you guys as you go through the unimaginable.

    ReplyDelete